


All I Have

by CommanderTeatime



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Near Death Experiences, POV Magnus Bane, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sirens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-29 23:30:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19840792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CommanderTeatime/pseuds/CommanderTeatime
Summary: Magnus and Cat track down a siren because Magnus needs a lock of her hair for a client's wish-spell. Sirens have the ability to see one's desire with a single look and after looking at Magnus, the siren tries to drown him.Magnus returns home soaking wet and Alec takes care of him.





	All I Have

**Author's Note:**

> So, I haven't written anything in a MONTH. I'm sorry if this is rough. 
> 
> If you're waiting for me to update a fic, it'll be a while. I wasn't expecting my manager to quit at work, so now I'm picking up extra shifts and I was hired for a second job (this one is full-time) and this summer has just gotten away from me. I'm sorry, pals.

He watches the waves as they walk down the path through the park. They brush against the rocky shoreline, the water sinks into holes in between stones. The sound should be soothing, it should be relaxing like the sounds that Clary plays when she meditates in the sun. 

Instead, it brings a touch of anxiety and a small awful feeling that Magnus can’t place. 

He feels as though he’s missing something, like a pain that was once so fundamental to his being that’s now numbed. It’s under the surface, something he wants to feel again, like pressing on a bruise, though he can’t find the bruise. 

Cat continues ahead of him, her fingers trace over the handrailing which transitions from metal poles into wooden stakes tied with loose ropes. It’s meant to make the park look oceanic, like the view of Manhattan from Roosevelt Island is beautiful, but Magnus only sees the tall steel towers on the other side of the East River, the millions of glass windows that look out to them. He supposes they would be gorgeous in the sunlight, but the sun is hidden behind thick clouds of overcast. 

“You doing okay?” Cat asks, she turns back from the path to look at him. She looks concerned, as concerned as she has been for the past two weeks. 

She’s been continually pressing him to talk. Life has been a whirlwind and Cat knows him too well. She knows more than he’s told her-- that he reunited with Clary, had magic, lost magic, lost Alec, found his magic again, reunited with his father, sentenced his father to imprisonment in eternal limbo, ruled Edom, faced Lilith, nearly killed himself and Alexander, escaped a crumbling realm in the nick of time, gotten married, lost Clary again… 

It’s dizzying. 

The feeling takes over the pang of absence he feels. 

Magnus focuses his thoughts on the river. He’s always hated the East River, the rampant pollution and stink. It’s only beautiful from afar. 

“I’m fine,” he says, and he rolls the doomed feeling from his shoulders and ignores it when it remains. 

They’re there to talk to a siren.

A lock of her hair is all they need, Magnus reminds himself as Cat ducks underneath one of the ropes. Magnus follows behind her and casts a cursory glamor to protect them from wayward eyes. He carefully steps down the unstable rocks, shifting his balance a few times to catch himself until they’re only a few steps from the water’s edge. 

Just a lock of her hair and they can return to the loft. 

Cat reaches into her purse and pulls out a small green velvet bag. She opens it and dumps out a single silver coin that fits perfectly in her palm. 

“Would you like to do the honors?” She asks, looking up at him, offering the coin. 

It’s dirtied with time, the words and designs on the sides of it worn away. Magnus takes the coin and feels the weight of it in his hand for a moment or two. He knows what he has to do with it to summon the siren, but he still feels guilty for chucking the coin into the river. It’s an antique, one that Maryse had given him. He wonders if she was aware of its use. 

The coin flies so far that they don’t see it when it reaches the water. It doesn’t make a sound. 

The river bubbles. The swarming of bubbles moves closer towards them, anchored to the signature of Magnus’s touch. Sirens are overly sensitive to magic, addicted to it like a child to sugar. The bubbles lighten the dark water and before Magnus can pull Cat to take a step backward, a girl bursts through the water. 

She flips her light blue hair back, spraying them with filthy water. 

“Magnus Bane,” her coal dark eyes lock with him instantly. “Enchanted seaweed? Or something more valuable this time?” 

“I need a lock of your hair,” he steadies himself on the rocks and tries not to think about just how deep the water is near his feet.

“Are you conjuring someone’s wish?” Her black eyes widen, she doesn’t blink. Sirens never do. 

“Yes.” 

The siren turns to Cat and looks at her with the same piercing gaze. They both know that sirens have the ability to see desires, that this visit will make both of them targets to her game. 

“You can’t wish a baby to conception,” the siren tells Cat.

Cat doesn’t flinch, her words are a little more tender than she means to be. “It’s not my wish.” 

The siren turns to Magnus. She squints at him, looking him up and down as though she’s trying to find a weakness in his armor. He knows he has many, that she’s looking for what will hurt him at the core. She skips past his fear of loneliness, his fears of not being good enough for himself or for those around him. 

“I can grant yours,” she says with a smile, her sharp teeth glisten against her sea-tinted lips. 

Magnus frowns a little and opens his mouth to ask just what desire she has decided to prey upon. Before he can speak, her slimy hand grabs him by the ankle and yanks. 

He hits the rocks hard before he can grab for Cat. 

Water. Dark, salty, awful water. His eyes burn. His lungs freeze in his chest, his heart is in his ears. 

_ “Abomination!”  _

_ “There is no fixing this.”  _

Black. Everything is black.

_ “Mama!” _

He feels the pull to the surface and let’s Cat drag him onto the rocks. He coughs the water from his lungs, panting for air, the spots in his vision slowly disappear as she pulls him further out of the water. 

Steel skyscrapers blend into the gray sky above them. An awful nauseating smell twists at his insides before he realizes its the East River, that they’re on Roosevelt Island. He takes a deep breath, shaking and exhales. 

He climbs up a few feet before he stretches out on his back, exhausted and weighed heavy with wet fabric. 

“Did you get it?” He asks. 

Cat dangles a large clump of light blue hair, damp with filthy river water. “I yanked it out of her head.” 

He nods in silent approval, still waiting for his lungs and heart to catch up with one another. Magnus rubs his sandy hands over his face, not caring about the grains that stick to his skin and find their way into his hair. 

He snaps his fingers to dry himself off, but the magic doesn’t rise to the surface. He feels like a snuffed candle as he reclines on the awful, shifting rocks, still breathing heavily. Magnus realizes that the siren must’ve dragged his magic from his body when she pulled him down, his hands shaking, still ready to snap. 

Cat dries him off the best she can, a quick brush of her hand leaves him feeling only slightly damp instead of waterlogged. “Should I call Alec?” 

Magnus shakes his head. “He’s on patrol with Jace.” 

She looks at him like that doesn’t mean anything, but they both know that Alec has become Jace’s rock with Clary’s latest disappearance. Neither one of them can find it in them to separate the parabatai without any guilt. 

He accepts Cat’s hand up and slips through the glamor he had placed as they walk back onto the path. The park is empty aside from a few dog walkers and tourists. It doesn’t stop Cat from summoning a portal, spinning and swirling through the air, pulling him with the sweet sandalwood promise of home. 

They step through. Magnus’s feet touch the hardwood floor of the hall just inside the door, his boots squeak, he can feel the water of the East River puddled near his toes. It’s a disgusting feeling he never wants to feel again. 

“What did the siren mean when she said she was going to grant your wish?” Cat asks, already on the move. Magnus doesn’t move from where he stands. 

“I don’t know,” he says, pulling at the laces of his boots.

Cat’s tone changes, but her words are too fast and complicated. She’s in the other room and Magnus lets her words slip past his tired mind. The laces are slick against his fingers as he pulls at them again and frees his foot. The water trapped inside puddles on the floor. Magnus can’t find it in him to magic the water away. 

“Why are you soaking wet?” 

Magnus looks up, the words cut through the numbness of his head.

Cat must’ve woken Alec up from a nap, his hair is a fluffy mess and he’s squinting a little, though it might be because he’s confused. Magnus opens his mouth to say something, but Alec is already kneeling in front of him, untying his other boot. 

“I was pulled into the East River,” he says, and Alec doesn’t even question it. “You don’t have to--” he starts, but Alec’s fingers take the boot off of his foot and start to pull off his waterlogged socks. 

Cat comes around the corner with some towels and Alec turns to take them from her. Magnus is sure Alec thanks her, but time blurs as his husband dries off his feet and his best friend slips out the door, a small pat on his back tells him that she’ll call later.

Alec stands and drapes a towel over his shoulders. “You okay?” 

Magnus nods, he can’t help but smile when Alec looks at him, worried. “I’m fine, Alexander.” 

It’s obvious that Alec doesn’t believe him, that Magnus doesn’t believe himself. Alec takes his hands and leads him into their bedroom and into the ensuite bathroom. He helps peel off his damp clothes, the jacket, his vest and shirt, Alec gets his pants off before he can think of a stray comment or joke. 

Alec pulls off his own clothes. He’s graceless and Magnus wants to tease him, but Alec leads him into the shower and turns on the water. 

“You don’t have to do this,” Magnus murmurs before Alec turns the shower spray on.

“I want to,” Alec says softly. His fingers sweep Magnus’s dark hair back and off of his forehead before he lathers it with shampoo. It’s too easy to get lost in Alec’s touch, to feel his gentle, nimble archer fingers playing in his hair. He’s almost surprised that Alec doesn’t play with his hair, doesn’t brush it straight up or curl the longer locks around his finger.

Alec moves his head back to rub his fingers against his temples and Magnus has to stop himself from falling into a near blissful sleep. 

“Cat said the siren tried to grant you a wish,” Alec says as he rinses the shampoo out of his hair. 

“She tried to drown me,” Magnus mumbles. 

“Would you tell me if you wanted to drown?” 

The question brings him out of the stupor that Alec has caressed him into. 

If he thinks hard enough, he can still feel where his stepfather’s fingers were when they held him down in the water, trying to drown him. Magnus blinks the sensation away, his heart still pounds in his chest on the verge of panic.

“Do you remember why I said no bathtubs when we were looking at apartments?” Magnus doesn’t mean for his words to be so terse, but it feels like Alec has found the ache he had longed to feel again. He doesn’t understand why he feels so attacked like Alec has done something more than asking a necessary question. 

Alec’s hands trace down from the back of his head to the center of his back and rest there. “Yes, but--”

“Why would I want to drown, Alec?” Magnus took a step out of the spray of the water and turned around. 

Alec’s hair dripped in his face, his hazel eyes looking for answers.

His fingers find Alec’s. He brings their hands up to look at their rings, the simple twin silver bands that rest on their fingers.

The feeling of fingers on his skin, holding him down disappears. He’s standing in the shower, Alec is in front of him, watching him like he’s waiting for Magnus to break or move on. 

He moves on.

“I have you,” Magnus thinks, and it’s not until Alec’s fingers tighten against his that he realizes he’s said it. “I don’t know why she tried to drown me. I don’t know what my deepest desire is.”

Alec puts too much soap onto the washcloth and starts to rub away at the river mud stubbornly caked somewhere on his face. Magnus tries not to pull away when Alec starts to wipe away at the makeup running down his face. 

“What do you want more than anything?” Alec asks. 

“Cheesecake,” Magnus mumbles. 

“Yeah?” There’s a smile in Alec’s voice. “From the place down the street?” 

“Don’t leave me to go get cheesecake,” Magnus says with a soft laugh. “I want to go to bed,” he says softly and realizes part of what’s missing, “with you.” 

“It’s like six,” Alec is still smiling. 

Magnus opens his eyes and stares at his husband. “You were asleep when I got home, don’t tell me what time it is.”

“I wasn’t asleep,” 

“Is bedhead a new hairstyle?” 

Alec is quiet. “Naps don’t count.” 

“Naps count,” Magnus says with a small smile. “I thought you were going to be on patrol tonight with Jace.” 

Alec’s shoulders drop a little, “Izzy wanted to take over, she wants to know how he’s doing.”

Magnus knows not to press. He knows that Jace is a disaster, that he’s been ruined by everything that’s happened in the past few weeks. He’s made an effort to avoid Jace as much as possible since he was possessed by the Owl. Jace still feels guilty, it wafts off of him like smoke and suffocates their every attempt to talk about something other than Alec. 

The water turns off and Magnus hasn’t blinked before Alec is drying him off. 

“I can do it,” Magnus takes the towel and Alec lets him. He dries himself off and watches Alec as he dries himself as well. 

He thinks about trying to push him, how he could place his fingers along his husband’s jaw and direct his gaze, kiss him until their hands start to grasp at one another, touch over touch, clumsily finding their way to the bed. It feels dishonest. Considering it feels startling. 

Magnus walks past Alec and enters the bedroom. He grabs whatever old shirt Alec has in the first drawer and pulls it on, fingers snagging in the holes. Then the silky leopard print boxers that Simon had given him as a joke.

“I love you,” Alec whispers against the back of his neck, once he’s found his place on the other side of the bed. His fingers gently press against Magnus’s back, raking up and down his spine. “I know you’ll talk to me when you feel ready, but just know that I love you no matter what. You can’t scare me away.” 

He leans against the touch and Alec lets Magnus collapse against him. They lay down beside one another, curled up in soft touches. Magnus turns at some point to rest against Alec’s chest, draped over him carefully. 

Alec’s fingers are in his hair, brushing it straight back, then trailing down his neck to his shoulders. He relaxes into each stroke, each touch. All he wants to feel is Alec, the way he breathes like he’s afraid that if he breathes normally, it’ll wake Magnus up from his near sleep. His touch is featherlight, delicate because he’s afraid of breaking whatever he touches. 

It reminds him of what it felt like to sleep beside Alec when he didn’t have his magic. 

He had felt more naked than he ever could physically. Magnus had never realized that magic burned underneath his skin, that it was the prickling against his body when the atmosphere shifted. He hadn’t been aware of the sensation until it had left him. He had longed for that feeling, for an ounce of the control it granted him, for the feeling of burning from the inside out.

Now that it had returned, he almost wanted it to disappear. 

“I miss being mortal with you.” 

Alec’s fingers slow, but continue to move across his skin. “what?”

Magnus frowns, he opens his eyes to look at the dark runes on Alec’s skin. They’re so stark against his skin that they seem to burn through the thin white fabric of his t-shirt. It’s easier than looking into his husband’s eyes. “I miss being moral with you.” 

“Why?” 

He shakes his head, “I don’t know.” 

Alec’s fingers stay on his shoulders. Magnus can feel that Alec’s thinking, or maybe he’s waiting for Magnus to stop thinking and start explaining. He curls his own fingers into the fabric of Alec’s shirt, his fingernails brush against Alec’s skin and it makes him almost shiver. 

“It felt simple, just… life and death, and now it’s just life and more life.” 

“Magnus,” 

“I’m not suicidal,” he says quickly. 

Alec exhales underneath him. Magnus doesn’t know if it’s out of relief.

“It’s just… I have you and I want to have you forever, and not for your forever, but my forever.” He feels lighter but sinks more against Alec. “I felt like, with Clary, there was always the possibility of some rune to solve everything. An Alliance rune bleed over, or the Resurrection rune, something, and now that she’s gone,” Magnus’s thought disappears into a feeling before he can find the words for it. It feels like something inside of him has fizzled into nothing like an ember in a dying fire.

Alec’s fingers are a little heavier against his back. Magnus feels Alec breathe in and out deeply before he speaks. “We’ll find a way.”

“How can you be sure?”

“I just know,” Alec whispers before resting his head against Magnus’s. He curls in a little more and Magnus has to move to get comfortable again. 

Magnus tries to let Alec’s intuition settle his thoughts. “I’m glad one of us knows.” He can’t help but smile, turning to rest his head against Alec’s. He isn’t even aware of his own magic until the bedside light goes off. 

“Tomorrow we’ll get cheesecake and everything’ll be better,” Alec murmurs, and before Magnus can settle into him, Alec tenses. “Wait,” Alec squirms a little and Magnus detaches himself to allow for it. “Why is it whenever I try to comfort you, you always make me the little spoon?”

“Because you’re an octopus and if you aren’t the little spoon, I can’t move.” Magnus rests his lips against the top of Alec’s head, his damp hair already beginning to curl. “We figured this out months ago, please keep up.” 


End file.
